The Great Loneliness

"It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD. It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. He sitteth alone and keepeth silence, because he hath borne it upon him. He putteth his mouth in the dust; if so be there may be hope. He giveth his cheek to him that smiteth him: he is filled full with reproach. For the Lord will not cast off forever: But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies. For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men." --Lamentations 3:22-33

It is so easy to cut myself off from the presence of God. Be it through my sin or by mere earthly distractions of the day to day, there is a point at which I feel myself slipping from the hand of the Father. I know it is happening when I cease to be joyful and a great weight of loneliness settles over my soul. The mind is then susceptible to full-on attacks from the Enemy, and subject to doubts, suspicions, and fears. As communion is broken with the Father, so it begins to be fractured in my earthly relationships. When one selfishly hurts those closest to the heart, it only serves to re-double the already present loneliness, and to a point where your entire being becomes like a great empty house--all you can hear is your own screaming voice bouncing off the walls and striking you in the chest again and again. One learns to empathize with David when he said, "For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me." As a cold rain fell this evening, I sat alone in the loft I am currently putting a floor in. My little house was silent save for the pitter-patter of rain drops upon the metal roof. The growing darkness within the small space seemed to echo that which was present in my mind. As I stared at the ceiling, I felt every one of my twenty-three years (yeah I know, that probably reads hilarious to those who have walked this earth much longer than I), and seemed to see only pain and brokenness. "You are a SLAVE to sin," whispered a voice in my ear for the millionth time, "and you will ALWAYS be alone. God doesn't need you, God doesn't WANT you, and neither does anyone else. John, old friend, my advice is to shuck the whole thing and withdraw into yourself, because don't you know by now that you can only really ever trust yourself? So get up, dust off your jeans like a man, face the way the world REALLY works, and accept your utter aloneness." And so on and so on, I could write for pages about the Enemy's lies. I've only repeated part of them to make a point, which is this: If we as Christians are not diligent to maintain unity with God and oneness with Christ, we will surely begin to slide down a slippery slope, and the drop is lined with devils and Satan waits at the bottom with open arms to receive us. The New Testament offers a fellowship of love with Jesus Christ, the glory and joy of which is beyond anything this world can tempt us with. But diligence is required to maintain that fellowship in the midst of a wicked and perverse generation. I consider these words of Jesus about abiding in his love--

"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me...If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love. These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full." --John 15:4,10-11

I fear no darkness, but sometimes I wonder if that is more of a liability than an asset. So often during times like these I attempt to have a dialog with the Enemy, when I ought to just flat-out rebuke him by Christ's power. Lending an ear to whispered deception is like taking poison little by little--eventually it will kill you. Like the proverbial frog in the boiling pot, you will never notice the degree of your plight until it is far too late. But for the Christian there is a remedy; Jesus is present to pull us from the pit of loneliness/despair if we humble ourselves and cry out to him. Sometimes (ahem, like now) I feel that since I've let Christ down, it is therefore MY responsibility to deal with my failing and climb out of the pit via my own efforts, which works about as good as assembling an automobile with Elmers glue...that is to say, NOT AT ALL. With such a human approach, I am doomed to slide back down into the pit (barring the use of some hallucinogenic psychotropic drug of course, but I digress). There is no way to be fully renewed save through falling back into the merciful arms of Jesus, which I might add, remained in the EXACT same place throughout my entire self-inflicted ordeal. So, fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, forsake the 'Great Loneliness' and get back into communion with Jesus Christ.

Why, again, did I ever leave it?

Sigh.